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| he's annoying
i don't want to spend that much time with him
what the hell. stop clinging to me. grosss. GO away
ugh.....................this is going to get ugly...fast
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| why can't i concentrate?
why do i feel agitated all the time?
why do i want to sleep so much?
what am i running away from?
why do i feel guilty?
i'm guilty...sigh
what do i do? how do i think around this one... i love b. he is my rock. i need him to be there so i can be strong and be happy. we have 2 years of togetherness and mutual understanding. theres nothing that we dont share and that we cant share. its this whole other level of connection. it it definitely something that can only be developed over a long time of being around each other a lot. its like we're the best of friends. i can't imagine not having him in my life.
but i am completely falling for t. i don't know what the hell is wrong with me. i keep wanting to talk to t. to get closer to t. to be a part of his life. but its not the least bit possible. we're not possible. he's not the one i want. he's not the one i can spend the rest of my life with. first of all he's not chinese, he doesn't know chinese and he doesn't seem to have intention of learning chinese. thats a big no-no. i need someone who knows more chinese than me so that my children will learn how to speak chinese and be able to understand chinese culture. theres so much there that i want them to learn. then theres also the fact that he's from a completely different type of family than i am from. granted it is also a liberal non-traditional family like mine, but the dynamics of his parents and his family unit is completely different from mine. his ability to talk and communicate is seriously lacking. he DOES seem to want to change and improve himself so that is to his advantage. but he is very immature still and he is probably going to be more immature than me. he IS younger than me. is there any way that he can catch up to me or even overcome me in the amount of painful but maturing experiences? it doesn't seem possible. he always chooses the path of least resistance and the safest path. if he chooses the safest path, he;ll never really be exposed to hardships. i don't think he's very good at dealing with hardships. but he's better than b in that he hasn't been actively sheltered from the world like b has. t's parents are sorta hands off parents that let t handle things. but t's never had to many hardships occur to him. but he can deal with them if they do appear. at least i think so. he's lucky that he is so passive.
i think that both of them have the same problem. they both don't want anything from the world.they both dont have something that they want o sccomplish. they are like the old me. the one that did things for interest and fun, not necessity. not responsibility. i want certain things, i want to be successful. i want a future that is filled with excitement and interesting projects where i can use the knowledge that i have now and will acquire to make new things that will improve the conditions in which people live. in order to get where i want to get i need to get into graduate school and learn the skills to not only absorb information but also to digest the information, question the information and then also form theories to explore new areas and to discover new information. i want to create. i want to make. women are natural engineers. we are naturally inclined to creative wonderful things from the smallest things.
so what do i really want? emotional tranquility. why? because of all the turmoil that surrounds my heart and clouds my thoughts. its making it really hard to think and do setlle down to do what i'm supposed to be doing. i am flustered and tense. my chest feels tight like i'm afraid of what might happen if i breathe too hard. will my heart explode? will it shatter with indecision and leave a giant hole in my breast? i can't chose between the two of them because in reality neither is perfect. both are flawed. both draw me. both provide something that i need. on one hand i need the structure and the stability in my life. i need my rock. but on the other hand, its been such a long time since i've had the excitement of having my heart beat faster because of what someone else says or does. to be simulated by a sigh or a groan, to have the bittersweetness of frustration and passion mingling together to send shocks through my system. how do i give up passion, the very thing that makes me whole and feel alive. how do i give up stability, the very thing that sustains me. while one is necessary for life, the other is necessary for me to feel alive. both are equally important? but it leaves me in confusion.
how do i decide between the two? do i even have to? is it ok that they both have a place in my life? they both provide me with i need. i guess maybe i get uncomfortable when one tries to overstep the boundaries of what i can give. i can't give b my undivided love. since i'm not in love with him. i can't give him my heart. i don't trust him. i don't think he will ever leave me, but i don't know if he is capable of protecting me. maybe it has to do with the fact that he has no confidence in himself. so therefore i have no confidence in him. i don't believe that he would be able to do anything for me even if he were to sacrifice everything for me. i guess in a way, no matter what he does it will never be enough to convince me to trust him. so i can never give myself completely to him?
i can't give t my future. because i don't think his family background and maturity are good enough for me. i guess i have high standards when it comes to the circumstances that a person has. but this is purely superficial? and can change? he can become more mature and he can become more successful and remake himself into the person i would admire and want to be with. that is possible. i guess his potential makes me stay and want to see what happens. POTENTIAL isn't reality tho. its only hope. but somehow, i can give t my heart and my trust. somehow he's always had it. i feel safe with him. he's not physically strong but strong in a different way? in a strong silent way? i know that he wont get flustered when i do, i know that i can be a mess and he will be able to hold me and let me cry it out. i think he will try to do something? but will he really? if i think about it carefully, i don't think he will. haha. its a dream. i believe that he will. i'm partially blind to the reality of the situation. if i think about his personality carefully and his past behaviors carefully. i don't think he will do anything. at least b will think hard about it and try to do something. he will take it to heart. something that hurts me, hurts him as well. to him, we're connected, we're one. t on the other hand is not connected to me. he's his own person. he's independent. he's untouchable. he's unreachable. he's.....a challenge. he's again the opposite of b. duh. thats what the allure is. how stupid can i get. aigh.
t is immature, b is somewhat mature, at least in the way they face relationships and how to communicate and deal with the issues of relationships.
t is independent and unavailable, b is dependent on me and usually available. one is something i can have at any time and whenever i want it, the other is something i haven't seen or had in 4 years, something that is a shadow of a memory. a bittersweet memory but a partial memory still. its incomplete, making it an biased and flawed representation of what really went on at that time.
t is reminscent of younger, simpler days, b is a product of the complications and harshness of college life. i guess despite my willingness to accept the fact that i'm not longer a child and need to face the harshness and the responsibility of the realy life i still wish to return to the simplicity of the days long past. hs days when i could sit on the stairs with someone and chat without feeling like i'm wasting time or violating some rule of when i can relax. those wonderful pressureless days fostered a different type of bond, carefree and simple. it was just a connection, no strings attached. it was purely attraction. there was no consideration of the future or stuff like marriage and compatibility. it was just whether or not we would get along and had stuff to talk about and could make each other laugh. ha. its so funny to think about the requirements that ppl had for a "good" relationship those days. u just had to enjoy spending time together and u had to have fun together. and thats it. o and not have any arguments. haha. so simple. now its all complicated with, how much u guys can work through all the issues that come with a relationship, and all the complications. how well you can communicate and how well you can understand each other and tolerate each other. how can anyone not be drawn back to those simpler days when life was so easy.
but then i have a question for myself. why do i want to resurrect so to speak that simple relationship/connection but then i keep bringing up all the complications of a real mature relationship into it. am i trying to turn the simple relationship into a complicated one? mebe its not him that immature (it may be part of the reason) but it might be because the nature or our relationship was never very mature. so therefore to require that it be mature all of a sudden is unfair? but why am i doing it? is it just out of habit because i've been in a mature relationship for so long? or could it be that i am have mature. OMG. lol. if i have actually matured, that means that i can't go back to a simple relationship at all, even if i stop imposing the regulations of an adult relationship on this simple connection. it wont be enough for me. i will be constantly frustrated with feeling like i'm taking care of a child. and thats not a relationship, thats just a burden. so i'm doing this because i want what? i want to see what can happen to a simple connection when pushed to the breaking point with all the restrictions of life? isn't that a tragedy waiting to happen? why do i want to make a tragedy? do i hope that it wont be? is it a moulin rouge effect? when i know the ending is a tragedy yet, i still watch the movie hoping for a happy ending? could be. i'm stupid like that. i guess i know its a tragedy. but i guess i dont want to seem like i gave up hope before anything ever started. mebe thats why its so hard. its hard to wait patiently for the ending to come if you've already admited it going to suck. haha. you just wanna skip all the bullshitting and then just get to the climatic happiness right before the tragic ending. haha. feel the bliss and then crash. is it easier now? can i wait 21 days for what i know will be a brief moment of bliss? hmm i guess i can. that i can do. as long i accept that the ending is a tragedy and hold no hope for the possibility of a joyful ending. it will definitely be a bittersweet parting. but i think i'm ok with it now.
it changes the game. if i win, i don't think i will ask for him to come to visit me. i wont ask him not to see other people. thats asking him to do something for me when i can't do anything for him. i guess i want is that we can maintain everything well? and stay close? hmm. have i pulled out? i think i have. i think i have constructed a mini-wall around that part of my heart. i have a glass lid on it now, i can see the passion boiling inside but i'll only release it when the time comes. this way i can function like a normal person for a while. haha. also with a wall around that part. i can start taking down the wall i put up against b. i was afraid to let him in, because i was afraid that he would notice if he was inside that something was different. thats more dangerous than "pushing him away." at least if he's outside he doesn't know what's happening inside. i think him knowing whats happening inside would be more hurtful than pushing him away temporarily. if i can unbuild my wall against b, i can achieve more mental and emotional tranquility. he's like a comfort pill. he relaxs me. the world he represents is stable and will continue to turn no matter what happens. i will never fall apart if he's ok.
its odd that i trust him, but that i don't trust him. haha. mebe i am afraid of something else? am i afraid of being in love with him? esp after all the warnings i've received from my parents? mebe i'm just trying to protect my future. and my heart. in case sometihng doesn't work out and i'm forced to chose between him and my career. i will chose my career. i guess thats not the choice that everyone will make. i hope i wont regret it. but i really hope that i wont need to make that kind of choice. i think either way i'll be left with a certain degree of regret and bitterness.
*sigh*. i feel SOOO much better now. thats a lot of freakin text.
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dream:
i'm walking from my apt in toward the school. its a hilled street and i'm walking in the middle of the street so that the street lamps can illuminate my path. i'm holding a package or seomthing in my arms. like one would hold books, but it seems a bit more precious than that. i'm slightly clutching ti cuz i'm nervous about walking alone in the night. one of the street lights go out in front of me. and the one after that as well. the path in front of me now barely lit and very foreboding. i feel very apprehensive about approaching that patch of road. i grit my teeth and walk fast into the darkness. but in my haste i lose on of the flip flops i'm wearing. i get scared cuz i thought it felt like something touched my foot and tripped me into losing my shoe. i feel like i want to just run away and leave my shoe there and run toward the lit street on the other end. but i cant just leave my shoe. so after half running away in fear after losing my shoe, i stop and turn back and run back through the darkness to the shoe. i reach the shoe but i as i'm trying to put it back on, i feel like the shadows are attacking me and trying to hold me from running away again. its like i'm drowning in darkness...
Analysis:
To dream that you are
lost in the darkness, denotes feelings of desperation, depression, or
insecurity.
To dream that you are
groping around in the darkness, indicates that you have insufficient
information to make a clear decision. Do your research and do not
rush into making choices.
To see a street in your dream,
symbolizes your life's path. The condition of the street reflects how much
control you have over the direction of your life. Is there a name on the
street which can offer some significance or hints to the meaning of the dream.
To
see or wear slippers in your dream, suggests that you are feeling sluggish
and/or insecure. You feel that you do not have a strong foothold in some
situation. Alternatively, it represents domesticity, ease, comfort, and/or
relaxation. This dream symbol may mean that you need to relax. Or you are
relaxing too much and are being lazy.
To dream that you are
not wearing any shoes, signifies that you have a lack of confidence in
yourself and low self-assurance. You may be dealing with issues concerning
your self-identity. Thus if you dream that you lose your shoes, then it
suggests that you may be searching for your identity and finding/exploring
who you are.
seems like everytihng is pointing to insecure, insecure, o and insecure. haha
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| this is getting hard to take
i feel like i'm demanding too much. but its really not something i can control? i cant choose. i cant maintain the status quo without something solid.
i want to be distracted from my emotional turmoil, but all its doing is distracting me from my work.
ignorance is truly bliss.
i wish i didn't see my situation as clearly as i do. i wish i didn't know that i'm in love with someone else. i wish i didn't know that it's improbable for us to ever really make it work. i wish it wasn't so tragic. but it is. it is a tragedy. at least it seems like it. is there hope for a future when the circumstances are so hard? will we be able to build something purely based on love? is that even possible?
love is one thing, marriage is another. if they coincide then lucky for you. but when they don't? what then. marrying only for love can only lead to divorce. marrying out of responsibility often works. not the american version of "responsibility", thats just bullshit. the chinese version of responsibility can hold together empires. responsibility, sacrifice, duty; these things are pinnacles of chinese culture. love is a mirage, a product of american idealism and arrogance. its unrealistic. its impractical. its a fool's dream. its childish, immature, unreasonable, demanding, uncontrollable. arg
ones a dream, the other is reality. one is a unexplored mountain of unforeseeable dangers, the other is a paved highway of spectacular sceneries and some foreseeable problems. how can one not feel compelled no to choose the easier path. theres nothing wrong with it. the dangerous path poses higher risk yet only offers only one higher reward, love. is it even worth it? i'm not an idealist, not anymore. love doesn't fix everything, it eases pain, but the pain is still there. wouldn't it be better if there was no pain or love? is that unfulfilling? i don't believe so. there are so many ways to obtain happiness and love. being in love isn't the only thing in life that gives joy. then why limit yourself to that?
then again, mebe both wont work out. and i'll find something better than either possibility. haha mebe. i guess its all up in the air. have i decided anything? yes, i'm a freakin scaredy-kat. haha. i would rather chose the path of least resistance than tredge through a jungle to find a hidden gem. so much for my adventurous spirit. maybe i don't think that love is a gem worth fighting for? i guess i've been too disappointed and disappointed too many to really believe in the power of love. i seriously believe in self-sacrifice more. haha..ironic.
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| i just noticed that i fell off into a giant cliff.
how did i do that? i mean how does someone just walk off the edge off a cliff without even seeing it?
gosh all the signs were there. i shoulda noticed it much much sooner...
all those times i would want to just get closer to him...omg
all those times i would think about his face...
all those times i would remember his embrace...
all those times i would be afraid of feeling anything....
those should have just tipped me off. i guess i was too scared to admit it.
now i know it, but saying it still causes my heart to tense and splutter. hearing him say it is so familiar, yet so different. i guess i knew he did. i never really doubted it? am i too sure of myself? haha. whenever he says it, my heart jumps a lil. when he said it multiple times in one sentence just to goad me, it made me so weak.
infatuation is defined as a short-lived, foolish, unreasoning, extravagant passion or attraction. this is definitely not short-lived. i mean seriously...this is something thats been there forever. haha.
love is defined as
- A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude
toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of
attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying
oneness.
- A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with
whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.
well...its definitely ineffable. haha. deep, i guess it is too since its been hidden inside for over 4 years. tender, i think it definitely is.
compatibility is defined as
- Capable of existing or performing in harmonious, agreeable, or congenial combination with another or others: compatible family relationships.
- Capable of orderly, efficient integration and operation with other
elements in a system with no modification or conversion required.
are we compatible? yea. but is he perfect? no. is he the ideal person i see myself with? no. can i see myself married and settled down with him? no.
i don't know anything about him. i know his quirks, his habits, his aura, his face. but i know nothing about his opinions, his views of the world, his philosophies. i have no idea if we're compatible in that way. that stuff is very important. if we don't match in those things, then there's no way we can ever be together. despite our attraction, our mutual understanding and all that stuff.
Principles, the thing that governs us. i need to figure out what his are. and compare them to mine. it's too hard to talk about that stuff over the phone. and it seems like whenever i try to talk to him about that stuff, we hit a wall and we can't. could it be that we're afraid to venture into that area? Or is he just a private person? or am i never going to get to understand him like i do others? is it his turn to hold back from me? i guess thats possible. *sigh* am i going to get hurt? how should i even protect myself?
what are things we could talk about?
politics? perspectives on life? on science? on people? on animals and pets? on sports?
i guess we sorta talked about abortion as an ethical issue. and we sorta agree on the same type of sports that we like. but thats just recently. we never talked about that stuff before. i guess it was a very immature relationship. haha. i swear we were just too overwhelmed by our own attraction to each other. weird huh.
i guess i should pose more philosophical topics for us to talk about. i want to know if we're really even compatible. if not, i'll be more comfortable. if we are, at least i can put that on the list of things in favor of this relationship.
his flaws that i dont like:
passiveness - tho his lack of reaction is sometimes a better contradiction/match with my sort of fiery temper.
lack of ambition?
his privacy
his procrastination - this annoys me a lot actually. it just seems so immature and unresponsible. i dont like this at all.
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| i'm not really sure why i care. i just know that i do. its always been more than just a friendship. some sort of weird connection. i'm not quite sure how to really describe how i feel about him. i just know that i'm drawn to him. theres really no logical reason why i should enjoy his company. he's not awe-inspiring, he's not gorgeous, he's not outstanding. but somehow when i look at him, it touches my heart and i'm inflicted with the desire to be closer to him. is that a kind of love? what is that?
i dont think i've been vulnerable very often in my life. at least not purposefully vulnerable. i'm quite good at protecting myself, being in control of the things in my life and making sure that nothing can hurt me. its probably an ability i developed after i had my first boyfriend. but i think with him, that night, was the only time i ever purposefully wanted to be vulnerable. made myself vulnerable. i guess i didn't really realize it then. it was all hidden under the fog of alcohol. but now looking back, that was how i felt underneath. it was really the first time i ever wanted to "share" myself with someone else as opposed to just taking from them what i need. i guess that sounds selfish of me, but truly how often can a person selflessly offer themselves up to another person, without thinking about whether or not that person will accept them or not. that night i guess i didn't think about it, nor did i see the rejection coming. i only knew that i wanted him to have me, no strings attached. of course thinking about it now, sometimes it can still sting a bit, knowing that he didn't understand what i was trying to do. but it's in the past and it's ok.
but i guess the important thing to get out of it, is to realize how deeply i actually cared. i never really let myself know how much i care about him. i guess in my mind, i looked down on him. he was younger, he was less mature, he was a grade below me. those things mattered then. the people around me judged me for liking someone younger. they had a look in their eyes. and somehow it changed how i looked at him. i treated him lightly and acted like he was the pursuer of me. i took the road of the princess and forced him the path of the frog. but that wasn't enough. i had to push him away. i had to hurt him. but that only hurt me. i didn't understand it then. now i guess i do a little bit more. i loved him then. but i lacked the courage and the maturity to embrace that feeling. so i ignored it and pretended it was part of a game. i think we were in some way, destined to be in love, but maybe also in tragedy.
now, i don't know anything about now. i don't know how i feel about him. sometimes i feel that our connection is still there. but i realize it's not the same. do i know if we can ever get as close as we were destined to? is the ending a comedy or a tragedy? i do not know. i think it might be better not to know, lest it is a tragedy.
maybe i should stop thinking about it...
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